February 17, 2017

I just want to switch from writing in a diary to now in my blog. I have no followers or hardly. I wish one day I have more than 100 followers to whom I can share my experiences. I would love to read theirs too.

Yesterday I woke up at 2:00pm but felt so good. Thanks to Michael Sealey’s guided sleep meditation I felt so good after months. I lack coherency in writings but then I am writing primarily for myself. I could vent out here. My writings would be preserved here unlike a notebook that would be one day gone. I went through Varman’s class of Socio political context and he was talking about farmer suicides. I don’t understand it much. I could only empathize. I have to be in some group for Business using cloud. I just realised I take up too much tension which is why I get body pains and which is so related to my depression. My mom will be coming to Varanasi. It is like history repeating. I wish she feels fulfilled visiting those old places.

I felt so nice talking and flirting with two girls Rachel and zeke on depression online chat. Atleast virtually I was able to be an extrovert. I don’t know how they look but my mind makes beautiful images based on names. I like angrypicnic, he is such a talent. I am doing hardly anything for my capstone project and I know I will be bashed. I wish I just come out through it somehow. I am 27 an I am as scared and immature as a 15. I don’t know I don’t like to grow. Now moving further, it is a joy to listen to Sam Harris. I love him. He is an extraordinarily calm intellect who knows what to speak. People say his calmness and clarity of mind is through his meditation practice, so I wish I develop some of those qualities myself through my meditations.

I slept at 5:30 am yesterday. I need to improve my timings. As mom said 11-9 may be. I know my writings may sound boring to others but I need to be honest to myself and write all that happened last day. I am going to Varman’s class again without reading and I know he knows I am doing nothing. I want to chill. Let me not get a job. I could rest at home for a while. I ate at CCD yesterday. That afghan burger was good. I felt lonely though

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