March 1, 2017 – An Insomniac!

Finally my eyes were open during sunrise. Not that I woke early, I did not sleep at all. A messed up head trying to filter out some sane thoughts here. I am in such bad mood. I have this Big data exam around an hour later. All night I was listening to crack hyponosis’ and bin-aural beats. That’s so much shit stuff! Only Led Zeppelin was there with me sharing the night and promising a stairway to heaven. My head was soaking every kind of music. Nirvana, Metallica, Led Zeppelin, Bob Marley and music from No Man’s land. Grinding the tunes with the hypnosis and binaural. It’s like mixing heroin, cocaine, amphetamine, diazepene and adding a tinge of LSD. I don’t know how messed the inner world is!

I have an interview tomorrow at 10:30. I wish I get some sleep. If not, I am gonna eat up the interviewer. I will go wild and crazy for sure. It’s so hard you can’t sleep and you can’t take those sleeping pills cause they put you to excess drowsiness. Liam Gallagher, you sure are a douchebag. Impolite, rude, Aggressive, fuck you and your songs! The only good thing was the heart touching climax of Before Sunrise. I was watching it the same time the sun was rising. Richard Linklater could wait for 2 decades to complete a trilogy. Salute sir for your ambition and your infinite patience.

I felt the symptoms of sleep deprivation right away. I could see me a numb dark entity among my classmates who were filled with vitality and joy. Seeing my awkward silence they just crack some joke or give that mild push to make me laugh or talk. I could see that ugly smile which comes out of a place that’s so wrecked and dark. The smile only comes to put a happy face to the outside. I can’t invite you people into my wilderness. My social anxiety and depression are at their peak best when I am sleep deprived. I feel so sad, exhausted and my head is filled in a mist of black smoke. Depression is hard. I cannot put it in words. It is so painful and such a taboo to discuss. No wonder depressed patient often quote “I would easily exchange cancer for my depression”!! You get the sympathy. You get the attention. You get the treatment and it is highly curable these days. No offense to a cancer patient. Cancer is of-course tough.

That apart, though I feel weirdly sick and zombie like, I need to study today. I can’t sleep in between cause I can’t risk an insomniac episode at night. It’s going to be so hard and forced. I have to. RB means a lot. i have put my best efforts. I should show my genuine interest and my best self. The results are not important. It’s not about whether you get selected it’s only about how much you worked for the interview. Do well!! Byee

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