I have got rejected one more time. I went to Noida and though the other two simply fudged, I just failed to make it through. By the way, I failed in rb too. When Sofia came to my room and told “rb results are out, you are not selected, Meenal is”, it was like my heart broke into 100 pieces. I cannot express the rupture of that small deep part inside you which somehow likes you fantasize that you will get a job. Rejection at NewGen was unbearably painful. I wish I just died rather than having to face another day of hopeless surrender. I have never seen this low in my life before. Yes I have been depressed, suicidal, anxious but I somehow managed to look a successful guy from outside. I could not sleep again properly and then I slept for 11 hours around in my room.
A big reason for my failures has been my bad sleep habit. I could not fall asleep till 5 and then the interviews were in the morning. I would wake up with cloudy head and lacking calmness and composure. I am the only one to be blamed. Mom insisted and insisted I should improve my sleep habit and sleep from 11-8. 9 hours sleep. I never listened to her, I deserve the suffering. All this sleep trouble started with Benzo-withdrawal.
Benzo-withdrawal is no joke. You fall you somehow fall again, you believe there is nothing more to lose and then you go on to lose more, you keep up yourself straight and ready to face and then you fall flat from 100 floors. Incredible, how it can reduce a successful and bright young man to ashes. I sincerely. wholeheartedly, compassionately want to say never do Benzos. Never!! Neither for long-term medication nor for recreation. Short term is ok, given a doctor prescribed you.
Although you have lost everything, love remains. The only force that can take you from minus infinity to perhaps infinity. My brother was so empathetic and said it’s all ok. We will do stock trading together. I don’t know where he gets the patience to bear me. I realised my mom is the sweetest mom in the world. She loves me more than anything and I do too. I can’t express that. Right from childhood you took care of me mom, I was always afraid of society but you always gave me love and the last resort I could turn to. I remember going through benzo withdrawals where I constantly felt scared and lonely. You slept with me and lulled me to sleep. I was 26!!!!! I am lucky you gave me birth mom. Any other woman and I would not have dared to live anymore. I wish my brother and mother are there for me forever. I don’t want them to die, ever. My biggest fear in life is that one day I will be separated from my mom and brother cause death is a bitter fact of life. Life is so cruel!! I never want anyone except my brother, father and mother. I like my father too a lot. He prays everyday for my placement and I only comeback with a rejection. I have faced 16 rejections I guess and I have no hope of getting a job.
If I look ahead I only see darkness . I can’t get into PhD, I can’t get a job(mostly), I am not skilled enough to take up an entrepreneur’s role. In hard times like this, I still have one friend apart from my family. It’s Naveen. I love him as much as I could love anything. He is my dearest. I only want to talk to him. I don’t care his failures, his tragedy, he is my only true friend. Abhishek is not that friend or may be is he? Mayuri, you have no idea whom you have missed. It would take you many many generations to meet a guy like Naveen. He is not the person you could easily find in this world. His thoughts strike the heart and his intellect would leave you perplexed. I am so grateful to have you Naveen.
Lastly, Thank you Tejas Sir. I can’t believe you are a corporate material. Why do you seem to be so interested in me? I never could imagine a person in business trying to help a student just because he shares the same college. He connects with my depression and is always encouraging with inspiring words. I don’t believe in God, in my definition a compassionate help such as this can only be called ‘godly’.
Bye, everyone. Never touch Benzos. Be happy mom!