March 8 – Sleepless night!

I could not sleep last night. I am still in a Zombie mode. Propanolol just before sleep time is a perfect medicine to keep you awake all night. My memory feels so dull. I can’t remember properly what happened yesterday. My brain functioning has degraded following Benzo and post Benzo medication. I fear I am irreversible and that I would continue to fail in all interviews or any career pursuits.

I am not perfect and I am keep falling back into the dark valleys. My spirit to hold on has been tremendous. I always hope to come back. I see remission and then relapse. Remission and then relapse. It takes the most strongest of hearts to tread in these negative winds of depression. Medicines help but meditation looks more potent. Sometimes you just become a completely happy person after meditation. Meditation along with medicines has been a highly effective treatment, in my case. However, there are days like today when I am sleep deprived and it’s hard to do meditation. Accepting depression as it is and not trying to be a different person can go long way in healing this black curse.

I often spiral into some unique negative thought patterns. I start comparing myself with my GIM batchmates and start to feel inferior compared to those who got jobs. I start feeling everyone of my age and even younger are doing great with their lives and are happy while I am like a still boat in a lost sea.  I look at my childhood photos and I get filled with overflowing sadness. When I was just 2 I was so innocent and I just ask if there were a God how he could really punish this beautiful child with depression for years and years. I have lost faith in God. If there is one, he/she must be a Saddist. I have my reasons. Goa brings in memories of lost happiness and excitement in me. I crave to get back there. However, I am afraid people would judge me there as I am jobless.

I am so lazy, I don’t go to exercise. I am gaining pounds which again adds to misery. The harder I try to be my childhood happy version, the more I am drifting away into eternal melancholy. I just want to go home soon. My home is healing. My mom takes care of me and I am with my brother and father.

Yesterday in the Socio Politics class I started thinking how I have no confidence to speak in class. I used to be more confident before. I just wonder how others in the class think so swift and clear. It eludes me. I saw Mahesh Babu’s SVSC. He is a great actor, a pride to Andhra Pradesh. I get panic attacks whenever I think of interviews , I have failed 17 times and I could only see a series of future failures.

I loved watching 2 movies yesterday. Nocturnal Animals and SatanTango. The car scene in Nocturnal Animal is just brilliant. Class Direction! SatanTango is a slow movie. Bela Tarr runs it at the slowest pace possible and many parts look overstretched, but there is a hidden beauty in the movie. It just makes us give more attention to everyday mundane things. There is beauty in each moment of our lives if only we paid attention.

I feel low right now. My head feels dull, sad and achy. I want to spend the day watching movies and youtube. I have to sleep early today. Bye!:)


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