It has been an year and 3 months since I am taking psychiatric medicines. I have been prescribed medicines ranging from Vitamin tablets to Anti-psychotics(Olanzapine, Lamotrigine, Risperidone), Beta blockers, Tricyclic antidepressants, Benzodiazepines, SSRIs, Atypical antidepressant, smart drugs, anxiolytics, and I am sure I missed a bunch. Medicines have hit me with innumerable side effects. However, as I was going through Benzo-withdrawal I was scared to come off any of the meds.
I have had it enough!! The medicines have made me into some other being. This is not who I was initially. I never accepted defeats; I fought the hardest. But with meds, I seem to just be ok with all the interview failures. I have failed badly and disappointed my family. However, I should not get dejected or feel low cause success is always just a step away no matter how low one could get. I believe it!! Life can change in few moments of determination.
I want to quit meds and believe me it’s never never never easy. It’s like spending on month or more in a jail where the guards will torture you each day. So I am going to give up the present medication: Clonezepam(0.25mg), Bupropion(150mg), Propranolol(40mg) and Olanzapine(negligible quantity). Recently, I also quit Sertraline.
Body will go haywire!! Perhaps, I will not sleep for many days. Heart rate may push up drastically. The hardest would be the Benzo. Even nerves of steel wither away in the calamity of a benzo withdrawal. ‘Benzo’ was the thing for which the whole medication started and now again I am going to go through my demons. It’s a frightening episode with Benzos and people who have gone cold-turkey on it, know what hell really means. I was off Benzos for nearly 200 or more days and then just picked it up for my interviews. That was so so stupid of me!
Anyways, I am all set to dive into this crocodile river. What will be the worst consequence? I am sure I am not going to die. I am pretty sure there wouldn’t be any seizure, stroke or other major physical disorder. So what’s the big deal?? As long as I am breathing, I am recovering. All the body torture are the signals that the body is adjusting to its normal. With the spirit of a Spartan, here I go to the battle. I pledge to stand tight and not take a pill again even if my blood spills off, my flesh tears or my bones crush. It’s the test of will. Can I? Yeah I am going to.
So, here I go. I am ready for the plunge. I may behave like a Zombie in that start-up interview but ain’t that ok cause I don’t really want to be a sales guy. I really need time and I can put off my job commitments on hold for a while. I would surely apply to IIT Kanpur, Roorkee and Delhi for PhD. It’s just to keep my opportunities open. The deadlines for the applications is around second week of April. So yeah and I also have myriad of opportunities after my MBA.
On the other hand, I think it would be a stupid step to take psychedelics during such an intense withdrawal of multiple drugs. It’s likely that I’ll end up in a bad trip. So I need to come off the initial acute phase. I guess it will at least take a month before things will calm down. So, that’s the plan. I am coming off all the drugs. Byee all!:) Wish me good luck.
Comment something good if you feel like.:):) I will be writing my health status each day.