So, it’s right now almost 48 hours since my last dose of 0.25mg Clonezapam. My body is now a stream of neuro-chemicals flowing at rapid speeds. I am not able to sleep at night but able to catch good sleep in the morning to till evening. There must be mild withdrawal symptoms of Bupropion, Beta Blockers and low dose of Olanzapine. I don’t how far exactly each of the medicines is contributing to my Mind-Body madness, but I am pretty sure Clonezepam is easily the ‘Champ’ cause among all.
What are my symptoms?? I feel these symptoms: a tinge of de-personalization, racing thoughts, erratic blood pressure(don’t know it’s high or low), negative thoughts, anorexia, lack of clear head, difficulty in breathing(mild), irritation, impatience, fearful dreams when asleep; mild social fear, hopelessness, over-reactive(a bit), highly unpleasant body sensations(especially stomach), bad earworms(telugu shit songs) and strained eyes. Well that pretty much gives a good picture I guess.
I find meditation a blessing during these times. It’s very difficult to sit down and care to concentrate on the breath, thoughts and body sensations, when there is a storm going on inside. But there are clear moments of detachment from what is there to look at. It is an invaluable self-discovery when you get to learn the negative thought patterns even though you could comprehend only the tip of the iceberg.
I am feeling it quite difficult to go through cold turkey period as my mind is constantly telling me how dreadful it was the last time and is reminding all the internet stuff on how ridiculous, painful and in fact impossible it is to cold-turkey on Benzos. I am taking a lot longer time than usual to write sentences for it is difficult to find some insanity during a burst of insanity. In compact words, I could say it seems quite difficult but not impossible, at least as of now, to go cold turkey. It’s like an unknown territory and so you are pretty scared.
I have a box on a table in front of me with an assortment of all psychiatric medicines: Antidepressants(different types), Benzos, Smart drugs, Antipyschotics, mood stabilizers and pretty much all the shit; and I look at them and my mind goes like “Prakash, what is this foolishness? Why don’t you just take a pill and just relax and you will feel all good!! We may start the withdrawal sometime later in an easy gradual tapering way. Isn’t it more rational?”. Well, I so much like to quit this protest of drugs but I am not going to. At least not today. I want to take it one day at a time.
Infact, a lot of this courage comes from some pretty insights I encountered during an acid trip. I wish to be on acid back soon to see if it could ease the symptoms. I would certainly not take acid without a thorough meditative session. Meditation could give the head space to initiate a positive introspection rather than giving way to a bad trip.
I wish my brother a speedy recovery from high fever.I have a lot lot more to say like my personal daily stuff but I already find this post too lengthy. So, I wish to just end it now. Bye!:) tc.