Hi all. I am paying more attention towards my growing belly. I am being very careful while choosing any food to eat. On the other hand, I haven’t quit all drugs. Yes I am out of all the medicines except very low dose of 0.16 mg Clonazepam. It will take 11 more days to end all drugs. I hope I don’t find it hard to write my end sems.
I am giving a shot at PhD. I will be thrilled to do one in maths related subject. So far, only started applying to IIT Kanpur. My primary is to get back to good health. I need to drink ample amount of water. Be mindful of how health is at each moment. If there is pain or discomfort, is it due to withdrawal, depression or some other reason. I should think what I can do about it. I encourage sleep. Lie down even if you don’t catch sleep. Initial days of withdrawal are tough but mind and body are magical; they recover back to normal in no time.:)
I have 2 presentations and 2 tests to go. It’s time I put in some effort into my capstone. I have to do something. Surely it has to be interesting, otherwise I am not gonna do. It’s my responsibility to make it interesting. Aman is such a dork. When I used to excel in capstone, I never complained to him that he was not doing much. I helped him with exams and notes. On the NewGen day he told me he would take care of capstone work and that I need not worry. Now, he just blames me for not doing work. He comes with classic dialogue “didn’t I say that to you”, I never remember when he said anything. He is hardly helping me out. I don’t want to get with this guy. I will do my job independently. And “no”, you need not help me through my depression at all. I even doubt. you are only fulfilling your own ego in the name of helping me out, which anyway is hardly any help.
It was Pallavi’s birthday party today and I felt so much social anxiety that I ran away pretending I was on call. I fear social parties where people seem to be happy and so talkative; I feel so alone and find it hard to act as if I were happy. I could say I just fake it before so many people except my mother, brother, father, cousins, few relatives and I guess very few friends. I am also a stranger to myself. I don’t understand myself fully.
Well, that’s it. Bye!