April 14, 2017

It was Bunty’s birthday. We had little fun time. I could only sleep 3 hours before attending Veena’s class. I felt so grogy. I was listening and I was listening good. She was making some jokes and I could only stare.

I saw ‘Candy’ last night. I could relate myself to Heath Ledger. I tried being cool junkie like him. Finally got my ID card made. I have given money to 3 stores; now only left to give to Lala canteen and Kirana. I could see how each sentence is a dead thought in itself. There is no lucidity or flow in my writing.

I washed my jeans and it’s been a while since I did washing. I had good sleep and woke up exactly before SPLE class. I was not listening properly. It was like I wanted to listen to only the points that were in line with what I said. As though my opinion was an extension of me and those with other views are my enemies. It’s hard to swallow but most of the time I am just thinking about myself. It’s all about me! How I look? How they think about me? and infact I create a zone of “Good” like selflessness, kind etc and I try then to attach all these to myself and enhance my “self”. All my thoughts are somehow only to enhance this self. I seem trapped in my own delusion. Only moments of awareness and clarity in being! All this self-consumed thinking takes so much of energy. Little do I seem to care about others. Even if I do, somehow it is related to the goal of self-enhancement. I don’t know may be most are like this.

My depresssion seems to originate from such thinking. Meditation sitting has been a good instrument to break such complex thought patterns and understand them. I had a lot of help doing it. My benzo withdrawal is going. I will quit the last small dose in 2 days. It’s scary but then I have to. I know things can go a lot worse. Hoping a speed recovery!!

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