Jan 11 – A good day at office

I went to back office to work for them. I was determined to work with zeal and sincerity. So did I. Such efficient work I did and I was so focused. But, a lot of negative thoughts would pass through the head. Roshani would be walking from here to there. She is so beautiful. A kind of distraction, but I would be all focused and won’t talk unnecessarily.

It was a good day cause at the end, when I was feeling negative about back office people, HOD of sanctions and Manager of back office congratulated me sincerely on my work. Manager said ‘You did an excellent job today.’ I got so shy, so random and said ‘thank you’. It feels so great to have been called an excellent worker.

But I am really generating great aura I think. People talk to me so much more and come close. It feels good. The thoughts when they are clean produce great magnetic attractions. All this despite drinking a little the night before. So yeah, I am in good health. Not that I should drink but I can be proud the way I keep myself to the other good habits.

7 cups feels a great place to talk. So many people show so much empathy. Human compassion seems to be a great antidote to any misery. I have to chart a 5 year goal on what I want to do. I am not getting solutions but just keep to the question. I am blessed and grateful for so many things which I don’t look at usually. Things such as legs, hair, mid, parents etc are all blessings.

I guess either I meditate or watch a good movie.

Jan 9′ 21 – seeing things

People tell you ‘Have goals, have understanding, be mature. I know and I hate all this. I don’t know why’. I hear someone say ‘Be yourself.’ I love it and then someone says ‘Stop being the childish you, evolve and grow. Nature is about learning and evolving’. Sounds true too. Every idea seems right. Then I realize I am listening to opposites and think on it; and someone would say ‘Use heart and not the mind so much.’ Great!

Life is fascinating cause no one knows a damn about it. People suggest things and that’s it. It’s a free world and we can walk any direction. I used to think when I am in 30s, I would have everything figured out. Actually, the more I am growing, the less I am knowing. But I am learning to accept this ‘I don’t know’ and allowing things to be. I don’t have to be like others. The beauty is that we all are very unique and no matter what we do none of us is same. So aren’t we stupid seeing others and trying to put each other on a measuring scale? Like I am more than him, less than her. A moment’s measure goes infinite, who can measure this?

But since we are not like Buddha or Jesus, we fall into lower modes of thinking at most times. Its fine! My counselor said ‘ Life is what you think.’ This must be true cause in the same place two twins can be. One can be happy that sky is so blue and one may be depressed that every day is same old sky and same old road. Easier said. Can we really tune our thoughts to the way we want? Yes, we can. We can try to think more about things that help us and not so about things that bring us down.

How to make such good thoughts? Be with people who think good. Read a good book or watch a good movie. We produce thoughts from what thoughts we eat. We have to be careful what we allow into the divine mind. Just as we don’t want bad people entering randomly into our homes, can’t we just stop those ugly thoughts from coming inside? We are the owners of our mind, we should guard it. With beautiful thoughts we can create a beautiful garden in the mind; with those ugly ones, we create weeds.

However, if we are really deep, what is positive? Isn’t positive and negative from the same origin? Zen masters often insist ‘ See all things equal’. Birth and death are equal. Happiness and suffering are equal. Love and hatred are equal. This way one is free of all attachments. He/She remains unwaved in all seasons. Sounds great.

So, it makes sense to insist on positivism to get through life. Since we are normal and we have dualities existing in the world. We often find ourselves at places where we don’t want to be. On the other hand, it also makes sense that though we don’t ignore ‘good’ and ‘evil’ as separate; in the highest wisdom may be they both just merge.

Jan 6 ’21 – a stressful day

So much work I had. I seem to hold good energies in me. Body gets so fixated and painful. While mind is like absorbed. Somewhat like what they call as a state of ‘flow’. Yet we keep marching. The place gets as intense as a rugby match. Only that it happens much in the minds and systems.

So silent is my room. My mind is racing like a Ferrari. I tell to stop and it won’t. There is an internal critic saying no matter what you write it will be garbage. I wont listen to it and just write.

I miss watching sunsets. At office all natural light is blocked. Sunsets are so dear to me. Nature is so wonderful. I still remember watching dusk at andaman beaches recently. I was alone but felt so good. The whole nature provided me friends. The coconut trees waving, the tides speaking coded language, and the fisherman dimly visible as the boat starts sailing home; they were all with me. Nature works brilliantly. There is no hurry but all things get done.

La haine seemed a cool movie. I should finish it. I wish I had a cycle that I could ride on. Winter should end quickly. Anyway, each season is uncomfortable so let them be. I feel sleepy and so I end.

Jan 5 – m lukin good

I am following all those standard protocols that are meant to lead a good life. No drinks, no time wastage, sleeping at right time, eating good food, water, music, movies and all that is adding up to positivity. I am glad I can sense world in positive shades on few days.

We were laughing so much in office cause Subrahmaniam sir had to go to back office to clear dockets. He had no clue what he was to do. He is so chubby and brings laughs to us. I am doing quite well in sanctions. So many were worried of interview and the next promotion. I was lucky to meet Vijaya Kumar sir who looked stunning in suit.

I wish I could walk. In winter it feels too cool to go out. My pant is so dear to me. Many in head office said it looked cool. My brother is doing well in USA. He looks fabulous and young, Sure its the diet which is doing him good. A calm night produces a good day next, they say. Wish I have a calm sleep. Not much to add!

Jan 3 – I feel some Oxygen

I have nothing interesting to write. Everything seems a colorless copy of a thing in the past. Patterns repeating. Experiences relived.

Thoughts seem muddled up. Making sense in this muddy pool is an ordeal. Truth is a pathless land and all thoughts are only half baked intelligence. Thought is random, chaotic and we use thoughts to know thoughts. Mind is everywhere but seen nowhere. Suffering seems to relate to ‘choice’ we make. We want this but not that. But we cant have what we want always and we suffer.

However, without choice we won’t have identity. Do we need an identity? Is the body that is changing rapidly each moment, really me? It feels it’s me apparently. I am some driver inside a bag of flesh and bones. May be all forces, and all perceptions are equally valid. There is self and no-self. There is happiness and sadness. There is light and darkness. Or may be is it that one’s existence creates the other. Can darkness exist without light? Can tails exist without head? Can ‘I’ exist without the rest of society?

World is beautiful and ugly. World is neither. People walk, people cry, people jump, people die. Words destroy our imagination. But words we take to communicate. We say ‘Look there is a bird.’ Next time the word ‘bird’ is already a concept. Concepts are the reduced realities and not the reality. We convey concepts to each other. Do we ever communicate the reality of a moment to each other?

Look deeply and the reality is not what we just made. Past is going off like waves. With all the money in the world I could still not experience it again. Yet we try all methods to incorporate past into present. Trying to replay experiences like stupids. People spreading idea that love is the most beautiful thing. Is there a thing as that? Love exists so the hatred exists.

We try to grasp space or whatever that nothingness is. We want to add to ‘self image’ whatever floating objects we find; thoughts, opinions, things, friends etc. Where does the self exist? In the mind as a moving photograph? Is it an illusion too? I don’t know a single cell properly in this body yet I say its me, it me ‘the body’. A collection of stars and does something out of the stars say ‘ hey I am a constellation and that’s what I am and those other stars are not me.’

Uselessly I am scribbling, but I could say that just as real a ‘self’ is in the society, depression and anxieties are real. Acceptance is the art of living may be.

Jan 1 2021 – A new year

I feel dead-like. People said I need to socialize more. So,I have been trying it. For the new year eve, I went out with my friend to a pub. We were on roof top and it was very cold. I started to feel less and less confident as I kept drinking more. Awareness was dissolving with time.

I felt, I am coming out of my bad demons these days and this party should help me more. But it turned out to be a worse social memory for me. I went there with my school friends and they were craving for all the hot girls. Other than my school friends, there were a dozen or more outsiders joining our table. I was becoming socially anxious as more and more people were adding to our table. I hardly knew these people. Couples, married but looking for fun, singles, singles but not knowing why they were there, knowns, unknowns, married but divorced, married and loyal; all kinds were present on our table.

My friend who just throws away money like water on bar staff was the center of attention. He too was nervous cause this was a very big party for him. I was getting bad vibes and it became more intense when one of my friend said I was looking very stiff. My social anxiety reached peaks. I started to drink more to just control panic states. I was smoking and also making those fake smiles.People around me were dancing and having fun. I was imagining they were living happiness but I was the one who was lost and feeling empty.

I knew I was spiraling down. Two of my school friends were feeling like aliens but were managing through. We formed a separate circle and philosophy was our discussion . I was becoming too anxious of what the other hot girl on the table was doing or was thinking. Mind was imagining as if people were thinking about me. Its not true, people care so less about others. My mind is a proof. But though I could make rationality here; in a true depressive state nothing makes much sense. You only feel low, inferior, guilty, hopeless etc. My friend and host,still kept trying to spark me up by talking high about me on the table. But I was going down.

I was numb by late night. At 12:00 am I just felt I don’t know if it matters I am living or dead. We were hugging each other to greet but I was in dark places inside. We were next gonna head to a girl’s flat to continue the party. Let’s call her P. She was married but she was clearly showing sexual advances. Girls would talk to me and try to force me to participate but I could not express the depths of my shallowness. I wish I could be like them but it becomes an impossible ordeal sometimes.

We went on a cab on a never ending journey. The moment we reached her flat, I crashed on bed and slept. Those two school friends somehow escaped from this ill-fated party during the journey. I felt very depressed and empty. She put a sad face because I came all the way to just pass into sleep mode. I could not console or express anything but just close my eyes and suffer alone.

Half asleep I woke up and headed back to home. I met my cousin whom I am not talking to these days. But I took antidepressant and just talked to him. I made a fantastic discovery that lot of my negative spirals were simple because of antidepressant wear off in my body. As I take it early in the morning, by 5 pm the concentration drops to 50% in my body and it gives the mild withdrawal effect. This was enough to cause the chemical imbalance and cause depression in the evenings. My doctor confirmed the same and put me on 1/2 tab for nights. Hope this solves the evening lows.

I also like to make a new year resolution to stay away from alcohol and maintain the rule of max 4 beers/month. I have to stay true to my rules, for only this way I can beat depression.

Dec 30 – pushing for good habits

It’s such an achievement. Going to pub and not drinking but just spending time with friends. I kept the bad habits at bay and its good I could socialise and not drink.

Today my mind was so racing. I was remembering the girl I had crush on, and she actually married someone else. Its been 161 days since I blocked her and said ‘wish you the best life’.I am glad I walked out in sweetness. Some of the relations are like drug addictions. You just keep continuing without knowing what benefits you are drawing. Then you decide to quit and a withdrawal effect takes over for many days. But you heal, just as you heal from a drug addiction.

I remembered my cousin and how he was so bitter to me. I was so loving and caring towards him. He was so unkind and heartless. So I had to walk away from him.

At office, I felt quite numb and depressed. I wake up late and don’t do meditation, which can be hampering emotional goodness. I have to get back to good habits and today I have given the re-start. Slowly slowly one can build goodness in oneself through good habits.

One more thing I remember vividly; at the party while I wanted to just leave, a girl wanted to hug me. I was feeling so cold and nervous I couldn’t even stretch enough to hug her. She screamed ‘it’s fine to hug’ and I gave a half smile and walked away feeling a bit awkward.

I have to watch some good movie and get into sleep mode!

Dec 28 – a little bright day

I woke up late and yet felt so sleepy. I could hardly meditate and then I rushed to office. As usual, these days I reach 10-15 mins late to office. I wish to be on time though.

The dreadful work keeps going. I feel negative, feel lost, tired etc etc as the day progresses. So many things I get to do and it becomes so complicated. Like a robot and less a human, me and my colleagues keep moving, not knowing if Sun is shining or just passed off.

I came home late night. Now fully knowing this is just 1/7 of the work that lays ahead in the week. Some exercise, some music and some journal giving the positive vibe to pass through the day.

It is so difficult being human. At every stage so much hardship. No wonder buddha said suffering is the essence of life. True both in the deepest sense and the physical realm of being. All my cells are aging each day but I get to see nothing and it feels a static world sometimes.

My brother is so kind. He helped me with IT filing. That’s such a help when I was feeling all depressed and procrastinating it. I had a video call doctor appointment with a dermatologist. It felt strange but also so cool. Its so time saving and cheap.

I talked to Soumya and she was cool. She works in Dubai and would leave next week, but she felt we should meet once. Lets see if it works. Life will repeat, the same circumstances but may be the beauty is about the mindset we carry. The same place could be heaven for one and a hell to the other. Gotta meditate tonight!

Dec 27 – Night partying

On Saturday night I went out to a night party. My friend is very popular in social parties and he is the most chill guy one could find. He asked me to join a party with 4 other girls at one of the girl’s place.

I was very anxious about the whole idea. But I found some courage to push myself for this one. I am glad I did that. It was so much fun there. Everyone was cool kind and we mixed booze, grass and some old sweet tales to run through the night.

It was liberating kind of experience but a lot of inhibitions were also coming. Not that everyone was liberated and all. They were going through their own pains but we were connecting and talking.Yes I did a few meds to keep the calmness in check but it was still not so easy sitting around and letting myself just sink in completely. Girls are so cool when they are high and they are so much as boys. We kind of feel more as ‘same humans’ rather than separated genders.

I however have to keep my drinking in check. It’s been more frequent lately and I have to keep my health in priority. There are these cool days that just happen and I feel ‘wow’. Of course the day after usually sucks for me, but its worth the price sometimes.

I vomited and it was fine. I think so many of other school friends were jealous of me and him on the video calls. There was fun even in that. How caring and warm one of my friends was who dropped me at the place. He cares and talks about ‘how I feel and about my anxiety thoughts’. He told you are fine and just do always what the heart says. I find so much affection being with that friend.

So that was a good night. I did not have good sleep and needed to sleep through the whole morning and afternoon the next, to restore the many million high-feeling cells.

Dec 25 – Christmas time!

Merry times of Christmas!!It feels good knowing its christmas outside. Wish there was actually a Santa and he brought me some presents. Decorated trees look so good.

My head aches so bad and it is producing bad vibes throughout the body. I went to head office and felt so alienated kind. I wanted to talk and also not wanted to talk to others. My manager giving me orders even on a holiday and I felt, is he real?

Why the mind keeps thinking, thinking? When most of thoughts are useless and so low in quality. A monkey mind!! I tried watching movies but nothing seems to bring a smile. May be I gotta read a book and slide into sleep.

I have so many works pending. Life is all this, the tasks, the orders. I just saw a bug on my floor. How cool its life! Just walk or eat something or sleep. Be prepared to die, which human too would. Not a bad life!

I saw a great movie yesterday called ‘departures’. Its a japanese movie. I connected so much with it. It brought me tears when it ended. So many times in the movie, I felt I was touching life deeply. Many deep quotes and the whole heart of the movie is amazing. Movies can be friends sometimes, this is what I have discovered.