I feel dead-like. People said I need to socialize more. So,I have been trying it. For the new year eve, I went out with my friend to a pub. We were on roof top and it was very cold. I started to feel less and less confident as I kept drinking more. Awareness was dissolving with time.
I felt, I am coming out of my bad demons these days and this party should help me more. But it turned out to be a worse social memory for me. I went there with my school friends and they were craving for all the hot girls. Other than my school friends, there were a dozen or more outsiders joining our table. I was becoming socially anxious as more and more people were adding to our table. I hardly knew these people. Couples, married but looking for fun, singles, singles but not knowing why they were there, knowns, unknowns, married but divorced, married and loyal; all kinds were present on our table.
My friend who just throws away money like water on bar staff was the center of attention. He too was nervous cause this was a very big party for him. I was getting bad vibes and it became more intense when one of my friend said I was looking very stiff. My social anxiety reached peaks. I started to drink more to just control panic states. I was smoking and also making those fake smiles.People around me were dancing and having fun. I was imagining they were living happiness but I was the one who was lost and feeling empty.
I knew I was spiraling down. Two of my school friends were feeling like aliens but were managing through. We formed a separate circle and philosophy was our discussion . I was becoming too anxious of what the other hot girl on the table was doing or was thinking. Mind was imagining as if people were thinking about me. Its not true, people care so less about others. My mind is a proof. But though I could make rationality here; in a true depressive state nothing makes much sense. You only feel low, inferior, guilty, hopeless etc. My friend and host,still kept trying to spark me up by talking high about me on the table. But I was going down.
I was numb by late night. At 12:00 am I just felt I don’t know if it matters I am living or dead. We were hugging each other to greet but I was in dark places inside. We were next gonna head to a girl’s flat to continue the party. Let’s call her P. She was married but she was clearly showing sexual advances. Girls would talk to me and try to force me to participate but I could not express the depths of my shallowness. I wish I could be like them but it becomes an impossible ordeal sometimes.
We went on a cab on a never ending journey. The moment we reached her flat, I crashed on bed and slept. Those two school friends somehow escaped from this ill-fated party during the journey. I felt very depressed and empty. She put a sad face because I came all the way to just pass into sleep mode. I could not console or express anything but just close my eyes and suffer alone.
Half asleep I woke up and headed back to home. I met my cousin whom I am not talking to these days. But I took antidepressant and just talked to him. I made a fantastic discovery that lot of my negative spirals were simple because of antidepressant wear off in my body. As I take it early in the morning, by 5 pm the concentration drops to 50% in my body and it gives the mild withdrawal effect. This was enough to cause the chemical imbalance and cause depression in the evenings. My doctor confirmed the same and put me on 1/2 tab for nights. Hope this solves the evening lows.
I also like to make a new year resolution to stay away from alcohol and maintain the rule of max 4 beers/month. I have to stay true to my rules, for only this way I can beat depression.
COSMIC VOYAGE 