Jan 6 ’21 – a stressful day

So much work I had. I seem to hold good energies in me. Body gets so fixated and painful. While mind is like absorbed. Somewhat like what they call as a state of ‘flow’. Yet we keep marching. The place gets as intense as a rugby match. Only that it happens much in the minds and systems.

So silent is my room. My mind is racing like a Ferrari. I tell to stop and it won’t. There is an internal critic saying no matter what you write it will be garbage. I wont listen to it and just write.

I miss watching sunsets. At office all natural light is blocked. Sunsets are so dear to me. Nature is so wonderful. I still remember watching dusk at andaman beaches recently. I was alone but felt so good. The whole nature provided me friends. The coconut trees waving, the tides speaking coded language, and the fisherman dimly visible as the boat starts sailing home; they were all with me. Nature works brilliantly. There is no hurry but all things get done.

La haine seemed a cool movie. I should finish it. I wish I had a cycle that I could ride on. Winter should end quickly. Anyway, each season is uncomfortable so let them be. I feel sleepy and so I end.

Dec 22 – Its so cool outside

The winters suck. I get sinus so easily. I am wearing a jacket and still feel so cold. I look at the walls and the walls look at me. Silence and darkness in the air around. May be the inanimate things do speak some language of silence.

Today happens to be Ramanujan’s birth anniversary. What a great mathematician he was! Those genius insights into numeric patterns. He is so inspiring. He went through poverty and no formal education and yet he could set new theorems in maths which baffle even today’s mathematicians.

I got out of office early. But my manager didn’t forget to remind ‘ Try to come early tommorow’. It feels boring at home. Which movie do I watch to burn some boredom? Mubi is holding a very big catalogue these days.

Today I had therapy session. I came upon a brilliant idea in the session that what seems to be happening outside is actually happening inside the head. It’s me creating projection onto the world.

I have to start fighting against many of the irrational beliefs I am holding up inside. I was told to write the negative thoughts and counter them with positives so that the pattern of thinking improves with time. I should do this. Do not miss out any counseling homework prakash.

What we all are seeking outside seems to be present very much inside us. I could dwell deeper into this quote.

“The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes” – Proust